I just don't know.
I'm having one of those days, where I want to hide, I don't want to come out. I feel gross. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like anything could change at any moment. I feel like if I give my heart away again, it will be shattered, yet again.

I am scared.

And I usually don't let my "scared" and inferior moods get to me. But today, in the past 3 hours it has.

I've been thinking, thanks to Rachel, about tragedy and grief. When I think about those words I think death. But I think that is changing, tragedy and grief occurs when you lose anyone. It can happen so fast. People hurt us. Yeah. Whatever.
But I think this time I have really been hurt. Because I have really put up an emotional block. It scares me too.

"Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears. "

It's funny how things change. And how time just keeps going.

I think I am actually starting to feel again. Not that I ever stopped literally feeling. But I actually cried last night. I cried hard, like the deepest kind of hurt crying. And that still wasn't enough. It's like it's not even enough to cry over it. I wish I could explain, I wish I could.

This is weird for me. I'm not used to being like this. I'm not used to giving up and letting go. That is against my nature. Especially when it comes to the ones most dear to me.
But I had to, I had to let go.

I have the deepest sense of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

This is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done.

And it's not fair.

God. He picks me up and carries me through all these days. I belong to Him. I don't understand Him. I tell Him I give Him my heart that is broke into a thousand pieces, and He accepts it as if it is the most beautiful thing. I give him my being and He gives me a future and hope. How can He be so faithful when most of my life I have been so unfaithful to Him? I need to wait. Wait on Him. And you know what? I don't know how, I don't know how to wait, but in the past month, I have waited. I couldn't tell you how I did it, except for this one word that holds the universe together: God.

I don't know how long it will take to feel okay.

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how,
The clouds above opened up and let it out.
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere,
When the water filled every hole,
And thousand upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed they took to their boats,
I thought it less like a lake and more like moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flat lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row,
It seems farther then ever before.

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

So come on.

So come on.

So come on.

Credit: Coldplay, Twilight, and Polaroid camera.

About one thing I am certain:
I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

"Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things you do,
Yeah, and they were all yellow"

Today.

I'm so weak, don't you want someone strong?

I just heard these lyrics, they're making me think. I don't like to admit to being weak or thinking I'm weak... I can do it myself.. or so I think most of the time. For example, my college algebra class.. yeah last monday I FINALLY went and talked to my professor about my horrible grade, I realized that I couldn't do the difficult ridiculous problems on my own.
I like to do things on my OWN. It's just the way I am... maybe I'm a bit more of a control freak than what I seem to think.
Okay, so the lyrics.
Even though I don't like to admit ever that I really am 90% of the time helpless and completely ridiculously weak, I am. And that scares the heck out of me.
Ridiculous is my word of the day obviously. So I'll probably use it again.
In the past year, I've tried to do so many things on my own... and honestly a lot of those things have worked out it seemed. But then I think of the times that I cried myself to sleep or just had to drive somewhere to get out... all of these times I have cried out to God from the depths of my being. Those are the moments that I know I am weak and I cannot do it alone.
But then that moment passes... things start looking up again... and once again I can do it all by myself. It is a shame really.
In the past 24 hours, my head has been so many places. So many things I want, and so many things I don't need, yet that is.
Time is everything, it's just so hard to wait when you want something so bad.

I would like to think that God would like someone strong... because if he wanted someone strong then I would be cut out the equation completely, because strong is something I only strive to be. I wouldn't even have to worry about him pursuing me.
But the truth is that He wants my pathetic, and at times ridiculously stupid self, to be his love.
He wants me weak and helpless and pathetic and torn, because he wants to use me.
I don't understand it. 3/4's of the time I don't even want to try to understand it, because it's easier to push it away and sleep it off.


This is where my head is.
Everything leads back to him, no matter how fast I try to run.