I just don't know.
I'm having one of those days, where I want to hide, I don't want to come out. I feel gross. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like anything could change at any moment. I feel like if I give my heart away again, it will be shattered, yet again.

I am scared.

And I usually don't let my "scared" and inferior moods get to me. But today, in the past 3 hours it has.

I've been thinking, thanks to Rachel, about tragedy and grief. When I think about those words I think death. But I think that is changing, tragedy and grief occurs when you lose anyone. It can happen so fast. People hurt us. Yeah. Whatever.
But I think this time I have really been hurt. Because I have really put up an emotional block. It scares me too.

"Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears. "

It's funny how things change. And how time just keeps going.

I think I am actually starting to feel again. Not that I ever stopped literally feeling. But I actually cried last night. I cried hard, like the deepest kind of hurt crying. And that still wasn't enough. It's like it's not even enough to cry over it. I wish I could explain, I wish I could.

This is weird for me. I'm not used to being like this. I'm not used to giving up and letting go. That is against my nature. Especially when it comes to the ones most dear to me.
But I had to, I had to let go.

I have the deepest sense of waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

This is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done.

And it's not fair.

God. He picks me up and carries me through all these days. I belong to Him. I don't understand Him. I tell Him I give Him my heart that is broke into a thousand pieces, and He accepts it as if it is the most beautiful thing. I give him my being and He gives me a future and hope. How can He be so faithful when most of my life I have been so unfaithful to Him? I need to wait. Wait on Him. And you know what? I don't know how, I don't know how to wait, but in the past month, I have waited. I couldn't tell you how I did it, except for this one word that holds the universe together: God.

I don't know how long it will take to feel okay.

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how,
The clouds above opened up and let it out.
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere,
When the water filled every hole,
And thousand upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed they took to their boats,
I thought it less like a lake and more like moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flat lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row,
It seems farther then ever before.

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer

So come on.

So come on.

So come on.